brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can you bring me the toilet please
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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