i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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