Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
