The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
