I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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