yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
