thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
