Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
