I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
