I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
