I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize