1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
