I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
