I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
