yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want her autograph on my taint
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
