i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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