I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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