I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
