hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
