We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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