So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Congratulations! We have a period
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