Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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