Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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