I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
