i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
