you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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