Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
