you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
