hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are going to name an STD after you.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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