I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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