having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I need water and some morals
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
