Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
