I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
