is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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