my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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