His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
