we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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