I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
