Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
