two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
