i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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