Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
