but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
