Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
