Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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