my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
