AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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