He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
