Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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