If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
