I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
