He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
