So drunk its hurt
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
